A Picture Book Real Estate Guide
Three beds, two-and-a-half baths, one pony pied-à-terre
Hello, I had to take a little hiatus from writing this newsletter on account of my basement.
For all the years we’ve lived in this house, it’s been there. Down there. Full of the stuff. The stuff of our lives.
All pig-piled into a big, terrible mountain.
Its innumerable peaks are bestrewn with garbage bags, orphaned cords, and 12-18mo clothing. Nestled in its valleys are whole forgotten civilizations, ancient denim, and Y2K artifacts, lost to the dusts of time. “Let it stand tall,” says I. “Some day soon, I’ll just dropkick it into a moving van!” Because this was not supposed to be our Forever Home.
But the universe and United States economy have a way of not giving a fig what your dumb perfect plans are. So while we wait for mortgage rates to come down from 88%, we reckon with our hubris and do what we can to improve our quality of life within these walls. One that does not involve side shuffling through a slot canyon to change a load of laundry, or unfairly telling off inanimate objects using the rudest ABCDEF words I know.
And I’ve been working like a Labrador, let me tell you. It’s not perfect, but now, our basement has ZONES. It has AISLES. It has VERTICAL STORAGE SOLUTIONS. It is marginally less dusty, and decidedly less garbage-ridden. She is a beaut (not a butte).
And I have found treasures. Such as this:
Anyhow, I’m a basement person now and just waiting for an e-vite to stick my arms akimbo and blab about my basement some more. So if you wanna talk shop just knock.
Now shall we tour some (literary) properties?
If we’re honest, you and I, we both know this basement organization bonanza is a distraction. As soon as my new plastic bins lose that new plastic bin smell, I’ll be back to pining for my perfect four-to-five-bed, two-and-a-half-bath, turn-key Victorian farmhouse by the sea with chef’s kitchen, artist’s studio, and fifty-year-old beech trees that provide the illusion of remote living yet it’s a mere waddle into town for coffee and croissant.
But since looking at actual real estate listings is too depressing and pointless (do you have a spare one million dollars???), we might as well window shop some equally unattainable properties from picture books instead. Let’s go (to the open house and not make an offer)!
The I Want to Paint My Bathroom Blue House
$0.25 • 4 beds • 2 baths • ∞ sq. ft.
Come experience the colorful charm of this mid-century property, complete with blue bathroom, yellow kitchen, and green ceilings, all painted mostly inside the lines.
The two-story home boasts numerous upgrades throughout, including literally hundreds of new windows and a doorknob a doorknob a dear little doorknob a dearknob a dearknob a door little dearknob. Upstairs you’ll find a custom-built bedroom perfect for large farm animals accustomed to indoor living.
Hop-skip out into lush perennial gardens and enjoy uninterrupted ocean views as you wait to see what DIY project will jump into your stream of consciousness next. Room enough for all your friends.
No dads allowed.
The Little Fur Family House
$190,000 • 2 beds • 1/2 bath • 876 sq. ft.
Live out your wild, wild backcountry fantasies in this warm wooden tree adjacent to 28 acres of conservation land. Property includes a deeded right-of-way to Trout River and an in-law studio apartment in a hollow stump.
Chock full of rustic north woods charm and craftsmanship, the home’s interior includes original exposed beams, solid oak floors, and a vintage wood stove that just begs for cozy nights in. Wake every morning to the sound of the wind, and sprint out your front door to enjoy everything the wilderness has to offer. Turnkey property with an active Airbnb base.
A well and septic still needed. Not fully winterized — bring your fur coat!
The There’s a Wocket in My Pocket! House
$280,000 (reduced from $350,000) • 3 beds • 2 baths • 2,200 sq. ft.
Investors and first-time buyers take notice! This one is pre-inspected and being sold As-Is!
It’s the kind of house you live in. This well-cared-for suburban colonial is just teeming with potential and waiting for that special someone. Three bedrooms, two full baths, and your standard one-car garage. Full kitchen with brand-new nupboards, walk-in pantry, and formal dining room. One unfinished basement and no weird stuff at all.
All furniture will remain for the buyer’s enjoyment.
The Miss Rumphius House
$899,000 • 2 beds • 1 bath • 1,400 sq. ft.
Don’t miss this once-in-a-century chance to own this special property. Live there until you are little and old!
This Gothic Revival-style cottage enjoys elevated views of the harbor and coastal islands from its windows and side porch. Its ornamental bargeboards and other Victorian-era trimmings have been meticulously maintained, as have its cedar shingles, last replaced in 2018.
Sale contingent on buyer agreeing to take on the role of “lupine caretaker,” ensuring the townspeople have an impossible number of blossoms to enjoy in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed.
The Harold and the Purple Crayon House
$525,000 • ≥ 1 beds • ≥ 1 bath • ≥ 30 sq. ft.
If you're searching for a sprawling space that’s a total blank canvas, look no further.
This residential marvel is eagerly awaiting your transformative vision. With minimalist decor and an airy, open concept design, one living space flows seamlessly into the next. And you just know there’s a bedroom window somewhere in the place.
Ideally located in close proximity to the city, ocean, mountains, and anything you can imagine, really.
Showings are by moonlight only. Please watch your step.
The The Wolf, the Duck, and the Mouse House
$Friendship • 3 beds • 1? baths • 1.5 sq. ft.
Escape from the mundane! Take a chance on this mobile home tucked away in a gorgeous, heavily forested area. Eccentric yet homey, this is a real diamond in the rough. You’ll think you’ve died and gone to heaven!
What it lacks in curb appeal it more than makes up for inside. A long entryway gives way to a cavernous and versatile living space. Dramatic lighting, moody hues, and rich surface textures create an evocative atmosphere that is at once effortlessly chic and intensely folksy. Room for bed, table. Gourmet chef’s kitchen. Excellent acoustics.
Please note the property comes with two tenants who maintain all rights granted to them in their existing lease.
Look, this post was not too inside baseball. We ALL have an interest in real estate.
Self-Promotion Corner
It seems I’m bad at writing about it, but I also do illustration. Please visit me in these other places, too!
What a concept! I like picture book real estate much more than the real life version. Can I pay for these in picture book currency too?
Haha what a fun read! Some new books there for me too. More basement pics pls x